Sorry I Wasn't Good Enough
by louise95
Summary: Rose is left alone. After the attack, Dimitri left to be Lady Ozera's guardian and Lissa, Christian, Adrian and Eddie all hate her. She has no one left to go/be with. What's worse is that she's in a fatal condition that no one knows. ONE-SHOT.


Rose is left alone. After the attack, Dimitri left to be Lady Ozera's guardian and Lissa, Christian, Adrian and Eddie all hate her. She has no one left to go/be with. What's worse is that she's in a fatal condition that no one knows. ONE-SHOT.

*Note:

Just after the rescue mission, as Rose was heading back towards the wards, she was yanked back by a Strigoi. They fought and of course, she won. But not before the Strigoi made a huge gash on her chest and poured some of his blood on the gash.

I don't own anything. Well, except the story line. 

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><p><strong>RPOV<strong>**  
><strong>  
>All of it. Gone.<p>

I was once in love, actually I STILL am in love, with a man. He's Russian. He was my mentor and is a great guardian. I thought that even if it's hard to be together, we can make it. It may be hard, but not impossible. I also thought that he truly loved me. But unfortunately, that was a lie. Actually, everything in my life is practically a lie.

And it all started after the attack at St. Vladimir's Academy...

-A Few Months Back-

I can't believe it. We can make it work. He told me so. I'm so happy, I'm practically skipping. I wish this can never end. I was on my way to the gym to meet up with my man, my comrade, my Dimitri. Just thinking about him makes me all gooey inside.

I finally reached the gym. I took a deep breath and had a wider grin on my face as I opened the door. But as soon as I did, and saw what was in front of me, the grin was immediately gone. I may not like out practices that much but seeing the gym not set up, seeing my Dimitri not ready for our practice and having a bad feeling just makes me anxious and worried. Totally worried.

I walked over to hug Dimitri. I just need to hug him and I don't know why. And when I did, I somehow felt like this will be the last time. I don't know what for but I cherished it more than usual. After a few seconds, he held me at arm's length and dropped his arms at his side.

"Comrade, what's going on? What's wrong?" I asked.

After the word 'comrade', he plastered his guardian mask on. And from then on, I knew that what he's about to say is bad news. Really bad news.

"Rose, let's sit on the bleachers shall we?" he said as he ushered me to the bleachers.

I just followed him. He didn't call me Roza. I'm getting really worried here. My gut is telling me to protect what I have now but no matter what I do, my walls won't hold up. In short, my emotions are all over the place. We sat there, quiet for a moment, until Dimitri decided to break it.

"Rose, I don't know how to say this. First of all, I want to say sorry. Sorry I made you believe that I love you. I'm really sorry, but I don't love you. No offence, but you're not good enough for me. It was all just an act. The cabin, that was just a spur of the moment. I'm sorry. And lastly, I'll be leaving in a few hours. I'm going to be Tasha Ozera's guardian from then on. I'm taking her up on her offer. I'm really sorry Rose. Sorry I made you believe that it was all true." he said.

At first, my brain tried to process what he just said. And after it successfully did, I wish it didn't.

-Back to reality-

And that is the start on why I'm in my room now, trying to stay alive, even just for a short moment.

**DPOV**

I suddenly jolted off of bed. There's something wrong. I can feel it. And to top it off, my heart feels like it has just broken once more into another millions of pieces.

The first time it broke was when I left HER, My Roza. Oh, I can still remember that day. I told her that I never loved her, that she wasn't good enough for me. But to be true, I have always loved her and still will and that she was too good for me. I don't deserve her. Besides, she has a bright future ahead of her. She will be a great guardian and I'm just a distraction on her path.

Back to reality. I feel the urge to go back go St. Vlad's. And this feeling is not good. But all I'm sure about is that I need to go back to the place where it all started. Where my life changed.

I walked to Tasha's room and knocked. After a minute of knocking, she opened her door.

"Dimka, why are you up at this hour?" she asked groggily.

"I'm sorry for waking you up Tasha, but we need to go to St. Vlad's. Well, I need to and since you're my charge, you have to go with me." I stated.

"What for Dimka?" she asked a little more awake.

"I just have a feeling that I have to be there. Please. Just pack up and you can sleep in the car while I drive. I believe sleep won't be coming to me anytime soon." I said.

"Okay. I'll be ready I'm ten." she said.

"Thanks Tasha." I said.

I went back to my room and packed a few things. I just need to be there. Just to check put something, I think. After packing, Tasha and I were on our way back to the Academy. She was sleeping in the car as I drive. The Academy was about a few hours drive from where we live. So based on how I see it, we'll be there around breakfast time.

-After a few hours-

I was right. We reached the academy during breakfast. I was anxious. So anxious. but I don't know why. After parking the car on the lot, I bolted out of it. I even forgot about my own charge. But I didn't care about that. All I know is that I have to do something. My feet brought me to the Dhampir dorms. As soon as I reached the door, I know who I want to see. Roza. My Roza.

The dorm matron asked "Guardian Belikov! What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for Rose. Has she left?" I asked.

"I'm afraid not. Actually, she's been in her room since yesterday. She hasn't gone out yet. But were used to it already. She's been doing that a lot lately." she replied.

"Oh. Okay. I'll go see her." I said.

I was walking along the corridors I remember oh so clearly. But most of all, it was because of my Roza. I went to Rose's room and hesitated before knocking. I took. Deep breath and knocked. No answer. I knocked again, louder this time. And still no answer. I knocked, again, and pressed my ear on the door. But I can't hear any movement.

I grew weary. Why isn't she answering? May be she went out? But I have a feeling that she's in there. And the matron said so herself that she hasn't gone out yet. I knocked again and tried the door knob. I rattled it and still no movement from the inside. May be she's asleep? She is a heavy sleeper after all. But something in my gut tells me she's not.

Eventually, I grew frantic. Really frantic. I then decided that I'll use the key I was given before. I put the key into the keyhole and turned it. I heard the door unlock. I twisted the knob and opened the door. As I opened it, I saw something on the bed. With a clearer view, I saw Roza lying on her bed with something on her chest. But she's still. The only light in the room was the screen of the laptop. Her screensaver appeared to be a picture of us in the gym. She was smiling brilliantly and so was I. I only reserve that smile for my Roza.

I checked again on Roza. Why is she still asleep? That isn't a nice guardian skill. Guardians should always be aware of their surroundings. May be something's wrong. I went near her bed. She's so still. Oh so still. I ran to her side and grabbed her hands. Her hands are cold. I checked on her pulse and I found none. NONE! I shook her frantically shouting "Roza! Wake up! This isn't a nice joke Rose! Wake up now!"

I kept shaking her. But she won't budge. Then it dawned on me. My Roza. My sweet Roza is gone. GONE. I can't believe it. I cried. I cried and held her to me. I lifted her frail body and cuddled her as I put her on my lap. I cried as I said her name like a prayer. I kissed her hair, her forehead and her hands as I cried.

I can't believe it. She's gone. I just cried because I can do nothing more. I was only gone for a few months and I can't believe she's already gone. A sudden change on the laptop screen got my attention. It still appears to be recording. I took the laptop with Roza still on my lap. I stopped the recording and played it.

The screen showed Roza in front of the camera, looking so pale and fragile. Her eyes lost its fierceness and she had dark bags from lack of sleep.

"Hi comrade. Don't ask questions. I just have a feeling that you're the first one who's going to see this. And when you do, I know that I'm dead by then. First of all, I want to say thank you. Thank you for everything. For keeping up with me, mentoring me, and so much more.

Comrade, I know you want to know what happened. Just a few days, about 4 or 5 days, after you left, I started feeling sick. I kept throwing up, I can't keep my food down, etc. And as it went on for months, I eventually bled, had cold sweat and fainting. I felt very weak. No one knew about it. I didn't go to the infirmary, and no one makes me to anyway.

After you left, everything just turned upside down. First, you left. Then Lissa, I mean Princess Dragomir, started hating me. Then followed by the rest of the gang. I think even Alberta disliked me at some point. And as for my mother, you know that she hated me since before. Princess Dragomir hated me because apparently, I was fighting with Lord Ozera too much. And Lord Ozera just had to follow Princess Dragomir. Lord Ivashkov said that he was tired of me and all that's related to me. And then Eddie started blaming me as apparently, he just realised that I was the real reason Mason died. And to think about it, he's right. I practically killed Mason and I won't ever stop nor forget blaming myself. It should've been me. He shouldn't have came back for me.

And you know what the best part is? It all happened in the same day! Cool huh? So the next day, whenever I see them they'd call me names like 'bitch', 'whore', etc. Sure I'm used to being called like that but it hurts to know that my friends were the ones saying them. You know, I even thought about calling you! I so badly wanted to but then, I thought about it. You said you didn't love me, and then you chose to be with Tasha and then you left. So, why should I bother you if you wanted to leave everything behind right? I mean, you left so you can get out of here and not have anything to do with the academy and why should I ruin that for you. At first, the thought that you left me along with my friends hating me was too much. And I think that that was the trigger of whatever is going on with me. I was in an emotional overload.

So anyway, remember when I told you that I'll be happy as long as you are? I didn't think that you'd really take her offer. But after a week when you left, and as I thought about it, I am happy for you. Happy that you're happy. Happy that you have someone you love. Happy for you and your future family. I hope that you're overjoyed. I can't imagine your face when Tasha announces that she's pregnant. Unfortunately, I won't be there to witness it. I would've made fun of you. It would've hurt but I've had worse.

Oh and I want to tell you some news. I know that it's useless saying this but I'll say it anyway. Just before I started getting sick, I went to have a check up with Dr. Olendzski. I know, me in the infirmary willingly? Shocker. But I had to. I wasn't feeling well. I was cleared but she told me that I was pregnant. Turns out that I can have children with Dhampirs since apparently, being shadow-kissed is the reason. But what's the use of that now huh? Unfortunately, I lost our baby. With all the emotional breakdowns and some other stuff I don't want to say, I lost it. I'm sorry. I wasn't really supposed to let you know about our baby but I lost him/her so what's the use? I was only able to carry our baby for a month. Did you know that when I found out that I was pregnant, I was really ecstatic? I mean I'm happy that it's half me and half you. But with all that's been going on, I lost it. And I was devastated.

Comrade, these past weeks, I've been confining in my room. I know that my time is near. I can feel it. I'm getting weaker by the second.

Please let my old friends know that I'm sorry and thank you for all the times we shared. They're right. I was just bad luck to them. I mean, all I brought them was pain, hardship and headaches. But despite all that, I still love them. Just tell them that I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to be a friend. Believe me, I tried to, but I just can't seem to reach what they want.

And as for you, I never stopped loving you. Even if you didn't love me back. I know. I'm pinning over someone who doesn't want me or anything to do with me but I can't help it. Thank you for making me feel love even if it wasn't true. You were like my family and a family is what I never had. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for our baby even if you may not like/want him/her. I'm sorry that all what you've taught me has just gone to waste. I'm sorry that you wasted your time with a useless guardian wanna be like me. And lastly, I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you to love, to stay for and to care for.

I've accepted my death for quite some time now. I would've asked for help from others if I was in denial but I've accepted my fate.  
>But no matter what happens, no matter where you or I may be, just always remember,<p>

I love you, always have and always will. But I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough for you. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough." she said.

I'm guessing that the video recording should've stopped at that but she didn't seem to have clicked the right button so it continued recording. She took a picture frame from beside her, and said "Hey baby, I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for the both of us. But despite that, I want you to know that mommy loves you and I'll be with you in a short while.

Comrade, I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. I tried to. Believe me. I tried hard, but I just couldn't. I'm sorry I failed you and our baby. But I still love you to death. Ironic huh? Because I'm dying anyway."

She started coughing up blood. That was the last thing she said. The rest of the clip played but it just showed how she silently died, crying. My heart was broken more. She died thinking that I didn't care about her, that I didn't love her and that she wasn't good enough for me. But she's wrong. I love her too much so I let her go. Little did I know that it was literally. And for our baby. I would've been a father to mine and Roza's biological child. Just thinking about that made me cry harder. I wondered what would've happened if I stayed. Roza and I would've been happy. She would still be here, carrying our precious baby in her stomach, with me in every step of the way. She wouldn't have been sick. She wouldn't have gone through all those things alone. But all of that is just a fantasy now. Because it's all too late. I made a huge mistake by leaving her and now, I payed the price by losing her. Not only did she suffer with what I chose but so did our child.

"I love you Roza. I thought leaving you was for the best. I didn't think it'll end up like this. You should've called me. I would've been here for you love." I cried. My voice was muffled by her hair as I let myself inhale her scent. I took the photo frame she was cuddling when she died and looked at it. There was a picture of Roza and I in one side and what looks like an ultrasound on the right hand corner. That's our baby. And I didn't even get the chance to be there for my child and his mother.

No matter what regret I put myself into, it won't change a thing. She's gone. The love of my life is gone and it's partly if not all because of me. It would've changed something if I was here. She would've had someone to lean to through all those hardships. But it's all too late.

Her words haunted my head and forever will.

"I love you, always have and always will. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough."

**THE END**

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><p>I know its lame but I do hope that you give me some insights about this one-shot.<br>Thanks!  
>-xoxo<p> 


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